Journal 1/21/04

1/21/04

I called Julie today to say Happy Birthday and her birthday isn’t today, it’s Sunday. I did the same thing last year. I don’t know why I have the 21st in my head. She is setting herself up to be disappointed because she isn’t getting a surprise birthday party. I don’t know what to do about it. It’s kind of late in the game to start planning. Maybe I can do something else. She said she wants to be surprised. I’ll have to think about that.

Today I was stewing about the oncologist. I have to acknowledge that there is more anxiety and anger there than seems reasonable to me. There are some things for real, which I hope to address at the next appointment. I think it has to do with feeling forced to have to deal with this and not wanting to. I’m consciously choosing denial of a sort now. But part of the reason I know things are out of whack is because I can’t talk about it without crying unless I am angry. Even angry is hard now that I’ve realized what’s going on. POSH. I hate this.

What else… I’m still trying to figure out if I have ghost PMS. I keep meaning to ask the doctor and I forget. I have to stop eating so much. BLAH! And I should exercise. Pooh.